In the face of his fervor, she appeared to have the upper hand, but neither was winning.

          Since their marriage ended, these parents worked reasonably well together, but from time to time tensions built, and they sought help in the neutral space of my office.

           On this day, they identified multiple issues for discussion, and in doing so made obvious their mutual need for cooperation and accommodation. But what energized this father's current lament was not even put on the list. He bemoaned losing the close connection he’d had with their youngest daughter. She was entering adolescence and lately was making excuses to avoid spending time with him. As he spoke, his words gained momentum and he became accusatory, blaming. His language escalated: alienation, conspiracy.  

           These are two intelligent and caring parents, and if viewed with another's eyes, they are doing a fine job raising their children who are well loved. Their parenting styles, and some of the values they seek to instill, differ, as is often true in intact families. Until recently they’ve adjusted to each other’s requests in an easy manner.

           I tried to bring him back to their agenda, and asked them to design some new options, suggesting a need for the give and take and understanding they’d offered each other in the past. He ignored me, too upset to pay heed. The session drew to a close and he left, angry and in haste.

           I could not put him out of mind. At some level I was sure he knew that his badgering and accusing would accomplish nothing. What was going on in his life, professionally, or personally, that caused this train wreck of a conversation? Did his anger serve to suppress his tears?  

           If I had a magic wand, on return he would give voice to his worries, without criticizing and blaming his parenting partner, which simply aroused her opposition and resistance. Under my spell he would request her help, and give sincere consideration to what she was seeking.

           And she would look for the longing behind his complaints.

           Then, in an ideal world, they would express appreciation for the many good things both are doing for their children.

           We will meet again. Lacking magical powers, I will offer them this advice, but with humility, for I know that I have seen only the tip of the iceberg which is their relationship, and much remains unknown to me.

            Yet, no matter how complex the dynamics of any alliance: to voice complaints without criticizing the other, and to look for the longing behind a complaint, is bound to further good outcomes.